A Pilot's Fate
by Ronin Setora
Summary: Jealousy, Love, Hate, Rage, Curiousity. All compose the lives of Pilots residing with one another.
1. 1

A Pilot's Fate  
Ch. 1  
Hitokiri Saizen Tamoru [ronin setora]  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
a/n: This is my first attempt at an EVA fic so you gotta review. It's also my first try in this genre of fiction   
so that's more reason to review. Help me out, k? Also, this takes place after the End of Evangelion but   
for the sake of this fic, everyone needed is alive.  
  
  
"Kaji! Come over here! Please!!"  
The red-headed German pilot called out to the taller, much older, man. He turned to Asuka, his expression, at   
first unreadable. He blinked a few times, then hesitated. Kaji thought to himself,  
'She'll hate me. I shouldn't tell her... but I've got to.'  
The ex-NERV officer pulled his hand from his pocket and the dusk light caught something. Asuka's eyes welled   
with tears and Kaji ran his other hand through his hair, sighing a long, drawn-out sigh. Asuka chokes on   
her words,  
"Mi... Misato?"  
Kaji fingered the engagement ring and smiled nervously. Asuka turned on her heel to hide her eyes from one of   
the few men that could read them without error. Hatred licked at her tears like fire to oil, poisoning them sour.  
"Good that dogs have their bitches."  
Asuka then ran away quickly, hoping to escape this new roadblock in the ressurected emotion's path. Kaji yelled   
in desperation to draw her back, to regain any kind of love from her,  
"ASUKA!!"  
Darkness enveloped Kaji, leaving him alone in a lonely silence but for the sound of his own slow breaths. In   
a moment the moon shone brightly and he remembered vividly the last events. He recalled Asuka's yellow   
sundress, even the bonnet. He stared ahead into the shadows, straining his eyes to see that very   
bonnet sitting hopelessly in the road, left far behind.  
"Asuka... I'm so sorry."  
  
The benefits of being a former EVA pilot were obvious even in dark if anyone BUT a pilot had been running in   
tears toward the small manor. It had been about a year since the disaster that was Kaworu. There had finally   
been peace on what remained of Earth, time to make amends for mistakes past and time to make friend of   
new people.  
But these were not the thoughts of the Second Child as she fled the streets for the solitude of her room. That   
was the only place on the plot of land that could be called hers alone and the only place no one dared go   
without permission. She moved quickly through the main room and up the stairs, beyond the curious glances   
of Shinji and Rei. The two glanced at one another and the young, blue-haired girl nodded. Shinji stood and   
dashed after Asuka, hoping to catch her before she reached her room. Rei looked down to her hands, the   
fingers now clutching her skirt, a hint of a new emotion, of which she had been having many lately, pulling at her.  
"Ikari..."  
  
Shinji stood outside Asuka's door, his arm raised to knock. He inhaled deeply then beat three times on the door.  
"Asuka? Can I come in?"  
Without waiting for an answer, he barely pushed open the door to be greeted by not "Get out, Baka-hentai!"   
but by loud sobs and a just audible, "Ikari?"  
A great dispair weighed on just that one word and Shinji was struck by it like the coming of another Angel. He   
pushed open the door more and stared at the girl as she lifted her head from her palms, her swollen eyes red as   
her hair. The sudress was stained by dry tears and lightly soiled from minor falls. Shinji took in everything:   
the teary eyes, dirtied dress, sweaty bangs, and sad Asuka, before venturing toward the bed. He sat next to   
her and very slowly, and equally nervously, put his arm about her shoulder, always expecting a punch or slap   
that never came. Shinji built his courage; pulled her near him and stroked her soft, red hair. He leaned his   
head close to Asuka's and spoke quietly,  
"Stop crying. Please. Just tell me what's wrong."  
During all this Asuka became overwhelmed- Shinji's daring, then she, the great Asuka Langhley Soryu,   
comforted by him. The compassion of the "Spineless baka-hentai" sent her into more tears, unconciously   
digging her face into his firmer chest. This new revelation startled her only held back by the fear if she pulled away she   
would do something wrong. The moment was too perfect to ruin.  
As Asuka cried into his shirt, Shinji rubbed her back slowly, hoping to calm her enough into talking. It was   
surprise enough that she let him into the room in what was normally a "moment of weakness", but that she   
did not reject his companionship, even putting him to use in an emotional fit, was too much for the young   
Ikari to understand. All he knew was, this trust and bond between them, even if only temporary, was   
enjoyable. He liked knowing he could do something meaningful for this goddess in his arms. But with that,   
all he could feel was the wanting to stop tears from destroying that perfect face. To see a smile, nomatter   
how notorious, occupy the frown's place.  
"What is this?" The thought circled in his head, causing many other questions. But for no reason would he   
end this moment. The closeness of them was heaven enough, he couldn't have been happier if he had single   
handedly saved the universe.  
Asuka rested her hand on his shoulder and pushed her face away from his chest. She looked at his comforting   
eyes and smiled lightly, the tears running into the corners of her mouth. She stared into those eyes, a feeling   
in them she faintly remembered. At a whisper so low only Shinji would have heard if others were in the   
room, Asuka said,  
"A-arigatou... baka-hentai."  
Shinji smiled as Asuka stopped crying and slowly regained her attitude. Right then he realizes he had grown to   
love that selfishness, that cockiness that only she had. He wiped the few tears still staining her face with his   
thumb, then spoke softly,  
"Are you okay, Asu-chan?"  
At this endearment she suddenly made a full recovery,  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Ikari? Who do you think you are?!"  
Shinji was surprised at this quick change of emotion and caught the hand flying at his face.  
"BAKA-HENTAI!! Let me GO! Get OUT!!!"  
Shinji Ikari, former pilot of the insane Evangelion, supposedly one of the bravest cowards on Earth, sighed   
and walked slowly to the door, casting no more than a glance at his past love. After he left, Asuka went   
again to tears.  
"Ikari... Ikari."  
  
"It's better she knows anyway."  
The still fairly-young lady pulled her violet bangs from in front of her eyes. The dim light of the candlelit room   
made those brown eyes sparkle which, in their own beauty, would have mesmerized the man on the opposite   
end of the table. If not that, the look in those eyes would normally have had him hypnotized, the emotions   
that were plainly obvious digging into him creating sparks of delight. But beyond even that, had he still not   
been captured, his being a man, the sheer amount of skin showing on this woman before him, especially in   
the upper area, would have left him dizzy for days. Even for all these things, the black-haired Ryoji Kaji could   
do no more than stare at his food, poking at it, while his fiance tried to comfort him. Nomatter how hard he   
tried he could not see how the night before would ever be good for the hot-headed little German girl that   
had loved him so selfishly. He could not imagine her ever very happy that he had done what everyone   
figured he would do anyway. And he could not stomach the pure hate she now had for him.  
He had been hated before, many times, it had just been another aspect of his job, one that he accepted and   
lived with without a second thought. But now that Earth finally had peace, there was no reason for people to   
hate any man. When there was reason, none was directed at him, he lived like a normal person, not   
a bother to anyone; so for such contempt to be pointed at him from someone so close to his heart, it was unbearable.  
The former lady NERV employee watched all those feelings flicker in her soon-to-be husband's downcast   
eyes. Though she had his hand between both of hers and was trying to help, none of her words seemed to   
catch his attention. Finally she let him go and leaned back, crossed her legs and placed her palms in her lap.   
She took in a deep breath and held it in for a few moments. This silence had effect and the ex-spy looked up   
curiously, wondering why she had stopped speaking. Misato let the breath out as slowly as she had taken it   
in and shut her eyes.  
"She is going to just have to accept it. Maybe now she'll realize there's someone else out there for her. And   
he's already close." She smiled as Kaji slowly reached understanding.  
"You mean Ikari?"  
When Misato just kept smiling, Kaji walked over to her and lifted her into his arms. He kissed her lips lightly   
while carrying her to another room.  
"I'm marrying the perfect woman."  
He set her on the bed and lay beside her, their faces inches apart.  
"Of course."  
  
Asuka came down the stairs towards the breakfast table, her hair a total catastrophe, eyes half-shut,   
nightshirt falling off one shoulder, and her mouth open beyond gaping in a yawn so loud it didn't seem   
possible. This sound carried over into the dining room, and before he could remember she no longer lived   
with them, Shinji said,  
"Ohayo, Misato."  
The moment he turned and saw the red hair, he was ducking under the chair to avoid a very dangerous hand.   
When Asuka settled, he laughed nervously, his arms still shielding his head as if debris were very suddenly   
going to rain down on him. He crawled from under the chair and put it to proper use.   
After Asuka had finally calmed totally, and Rei had served out breakfast, Shinji noticed all three empty   
spaces, dismissed one for it had always been empty, then turned his head to Rei.  
"Where's Touji?"  
"Upstairs," Rei said in her quiet, monotone voice.  
Asuka looked around and spoke the pointless question,  
"Hikari?"  
In that same dry tone, Rei answered,  
"With Touji."  
A broad grin came to Shinji while Asuka recoiled in disgust. The two, Shinji and Rei, ate on   
in silence while Asuka swallowed one bite and ran away from the table holding her stomach.  
"Are they really up there together?"  
Rei said nothing though a light smile played at her lips. Shinji smirked,  
"You little devil."  
Shinji smiled broadly, then he and Rei continued eating, listening to Asuka wretch.  
  
Well after breakfast, Touji stumbled out of his room, a greatly disoriented but very happy Hikari latched   
onto his arm. They made it down the stairs and were greeted by the First and Third Children who were in the   
main room on the couch, childishly watching Saturday morning cartoons. When they finally reached the dining   
room, Asuka was found trying to eat again. When she saw the couple, her hand flew to her mouth and she   
fled the room.  
  
"Would you like me to join you?"  
If it were anyone else, the soft voice would have went unheard. But the trained ears of the brown-haired boy   
picked up the sound and fully understood. He turned his head and stared into the shining red eyes of one of   
the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. Shinji knew he couldn't force himself to deny her anything but   
didn't quite understand why. He nodded his head slowly.  
Asuka sat on the other end of the couch and watched the "Wonder Child" and "baka-hentai" get along so   
well even in that one sentence conversation, envy like an inferno in her eyes. She wasn't willing to admit,   
even to herself, why jealousy was becoming her closest friend. Nonetheless, she was envious that Ikari and   
Ayanami could be perfectly happy with each other while she and Ikari had a relationship based on his fear of   
pain. Though in her heart she knew the answer, one question lived at the back of her mind, every once-  
in-awhile pawing foward- Why couldn't Ikari enjoy her company the same way as Ayanami's?  
And every time the question came to mind, all the answer she needed was in that night she had pushed him   
away. That night that he did all he could to make her feel better without even knowing why she felt so bad.   
That night he had shown more love for her than anyone ever had. Through all that she had pushed him away   
and it seemed he had forgotten he loved her altogether. As Shinji and Rei walked out the door, Asuka   
whispered to herself,  
"Why am I such a bitch? How could I be so stupid?"  
She went again to tears just as Touji and Hikari came in with ice-cream cones, smiling at one another other. When   
she witnessed her best friend so happy with one of Ikari's friends, she ran out the room, again dashing for the   
solitude of her room.  
Hikari looked to Touji with worried eyes and rushed after her friend, almost tossing the cone back at Touji.   
He stared at the two cones in his hands and his eyes grew wide with delight.  
Meanwhile, Hikari had just caught the hastily closing door. She stepped in and shut it behind her, locking it quickly.  
"Tell me everything."  
"I... I don't know... I think I love Shinji."  
Hikari gasped as Asuka went through the events of the last few days.  
  
Misato kissed Kaji hurriedly and ran out the door, already late for her new job. As she sprinted down the   
sidewalk she passed many stores. At one window, that of a cafe', she came to a complete stop and gasped at   
the sight. Her eyes grew wide and she stared in total shock at the people before her.  
"Oh my God..."  
  
~To Be Continued~  
a/n: I think you know what she sees. ::smiles:: This is how drama is created. Ja!  
10.31.02 (20:54 hrs)-- Converted entire chapter to the past tense.  
  
"baka-hentai" = "stupid pervert"  
"-chan" = ...term attached to the end of a special or fancied girl's name  
"Ohayo" = "good morning" 


	2. 2

A Pilot's Fate  
Ch. 2  
Ronin Setora  
  
a/n: Uhm, a bit of correction. This is not after the "End of Evangelion".  
This fic is based after the end of the Evangelion series. You know, after  
episode 26? not the movie/special thing. Just to clear that up. And yes,  
I had brought Kaji back, jus' cuz I freakin felt like it.  
---------------------------  
  
"You don't know what you're talking about. You must be ill."  
Within the past two days Asuka had been startled and surprised again   
and again. First that, right when she regained the feeling that she   
could have Kaji, he was hesitant to reveal a critical truth. Then that   
she, who had always done well at keeping feelings to herself, would end   
up in tears over a matter she secretly knew she would never win. Even   
past that, for Shinji to have become such a different person, daring   
enough to want to comfort her, to even use terms of affection   
contradictory to their relationship, was so much it would have driven   
some to insanity.  
And in this most recent day, that she would stoop so low as to mock   
Rei. Even that she would be jealous of Rei, the only one that went   
through a change greater than Shinji, was frightening. Feelings toward   
certain people she thought she would never feel were tearing at Asuka's   
mind, leaving her to act like a helpless little girl. The insecurity   
that had always been nearby now polluted her mind and twisted her words   
into shapes of longing and hatred.  
"Forget it... I think something is wrong with me today."  
To Hikari, without even speaking, Asuka was being strangely open. It   
seemed as though something major had happened to crack her shell,   
making her as easy to read as a child's book. This, as far as Hikari   
could tell, was not the Asuka Langhley Soryu everyone knew. But despite   
the questions she had, Hikari thought better than to try to understand   
the broken girl before her, her thoughts actually drifting to the ice   
cream she had left downstairs... with Touji of all people.  
Nomatter how things were different between them, she knew the cold   
snack SHE had paid for was not safe in Touji's hands. Seeing Asuka was   
looking more herself, tears wiped away, Hikari went calmly out the door   
then ran down the stairs. Asuka looks into a mirror at her bedside, her   
red hair falling about her shoulders. The eyes looking back at hers   
seemed, at first, of another person then became normal. In a voice cold   
enough to kill, she spoke quietly, watching her lips move,  
"Ikari's not that damn important. I never needed that spineless hentai   
before, I don't..."  
The proud teenager never finished her sentence before questioning her   
coming declaration.  
  
Resisting a very powerful urge to interupt the action of two kids she   
knew very well but never would have imagined together, Misato coninued  
in her rush to make it to work.  
Shinji and Rei pulled apart, searching each other's eyes for any sign of pleasure.  
At the same moment they seemed to realize that, even  
though nothing about them was as it used to be, nothing between them  
could ever change. Shinji was first to break eye contact, the pitiful  
form of himself returning momentarily and the only word that form  
seemed to know slipped from his mouth against his will,  
"Gomen."  
They sat in silence for a few moments then rose from the table and   
walked out of the cafe, the silence that had, up until recently, always   
been between them, awkward but tolerable at once, fell over the pair as   
they moved slowly toward a store. In her quiet voice, showing no  
amusement or sadness at the feeling between them, Rei reminded Shinji,  
"You cook tonight."  
  
As Shinji and Rei stepped into the house, the feeling of a changed   
atmosphere was obvious to Asuka who lay on the couch under lamplight   
with a magazine. At the sound of shifting bags she called to the pair   
that had moved to the kitchen,  
"Hikari and Touji went out."  
From Shinji came a sigh, as he noted the money Touji now owed him.  
*  
With the exception of the sound of a dinner of fried fish being cooked,   
the house was silent, Asuka absorbed in her magazine and Rei in a book   
she had been reading for almost a week. When the hallway phone rang,   
breaking the silence like a hammer to glass, neither of the ladies   
shifted but for Rei to turn a page while a light expletive could be   
heard from the kitchen.  
Shinji made it to the phone by the third ring and answered with   
annoyance,  
"Hai, moshi-moshi. Nani ga?"  
A voice Shinji hadn't heard in a few days replied calmly, though a hint   
of curiousity came through the receiver,  
"What were you doing with Rei this afternoon?"  
He sighed and spoke as steadily as he could with the memory of the   
empty kiss he had shared with his comrade,  
"That's not important Misato-san."  
"How can you say that?!"  
Over time, Shinji had developed both confidence and stubborness,   
stepping gingerly on the thin line between them. In the occasion, he   
slipped over to stubborness, his sharp reply startling Misato,  
"Just drop it. It's not important."  
As Misato recovered from the once timid boy's snap, a curl of smoke   
emerged from the kitchen, Shinji dropped another expletive, rather   
loudly this time. He said a quick goodbye and hung up, rushing back to   
the kitchen, hoping to salvage the fish. After a desperate attempt none   
could see, the following sound made even Rei flinch,  
"Stupid piece of sh__!! Damned..." Shinji's voice dropped to a mumble,   
which left Asuka and Rei wide-eyed in surprise. As Rei turned another   
page, Asuka spoke,  
"Pizza?"  
The two for once shared an idea, neither commenting further while Rei   
walked to the phone. Another aggravated yell came from the kitchen as   
she dialed.  
  
"I don't want to be alone..."  
'Do you want to join your Mother?'  
"NO! Don't stop being my Mama! I'll be a good kid! No!!"  
'Do you love... your Mother?'  
"...she looked so happy... I hated the way she looked..."  
'Papa hates Mama... let's die together...'  
"I want to live alone. I don't need Papa or Mama."  
Asuka rolled from under her cover as her dreams circled in her mind.  
"why... why now?"  
She shook weakly, her tears unable to flow.  
"...i... i still cannot cry..."  
Her throat was hoarse to where she could barely hear her own voice in the   
room. As she looked around at the room she had so many times longed for,   
she found no happiness there. The magazines, clothes, and discarded   
objects lay scattered about; everything she had wanted space for during   
her stay with Misato, and yet she found nothing pleasant about it.  
Asuka's thoughts drifted to Shinji...  
She shook her head violently.  
"...baka-hentai... hmph."  
Her eyes began to close and a flash scene of her mother again haunted   
her. Slowly, Asuka rose and walked out of the room, hoping to escape the   
torment of her dreams.  
* At the same time...  
Shinji slept with a smile upon his face, pleasant dreams of his Father's   
only kind words to him spinning in his head. Slowly the dream turned sour   
as Gendo's words changed from "Good work, Shinji" to "Cut all neuro-  
links. Activate the dummy plug." In the crystal clear view of one's   
memory, Shinji witnessed again the horrific images of Unit 01 destroying   
what was labeled as 13th Angel Bardiel. His dreams were so graphic, the   
smell of the blood after emergence from his EVA came to him, consumed him   
and inflicted nausea upon him.  
The smile Shinji had carried in sleep became a scowl, then the look of a   
scream. As his eyes pulled slowly open, silence came from his spread   
lips. He shook as he attempted to rise, his mind in turmoil with painful   
memories of death.  
"...what has happened... that this must be brought back now...?"  
The Third Child stumbled toward his door and stopped right before it.  
"...Kaworu..."  
Shinji continued out onto the stairway in attempt to leave behind the   
terrors of his past actions. Again he stopped,  
"...would this be running... away?"  
Thoughts of his determination to never again back down or run away from   
anything came to him.  
He pondered his own words, then turned back. His eyes opened wide. He   
whispered,  
"...Asuka?"  
The Second Child eyed him for a moment, hate for the world in them.  
A clock chimed twelve times, signifying midnight. Still the two stood,   
neither moving.  
A single tick, advancement of one minute. Silence.  
Shinji smiled, "Guten morgen Asuka."  
She glared at him, "Shut up."  
Asuka turned and ran back to her room, locked the door and collapsed upon   
her bedding. Outside, Shinji stood in wonder,  
"Asuka..."  
* Still at the same (general) time  
Misato sat upon her bed, smiling. Shinji's annoyed responses pleased her   
but troubled her also.  
"He... seems to fully express himself now but..."  
Pen-Pen, who had been recovered from the Horaki family, traveled through   
the room and collected from Misato's private Yebisu stash. He let a small   
squeal, one that seemed almost of concern for his owner. Misato continued,  
"...but something is bothering him."  
She thought of what she said about the word "nothing" to him long ago.  
"He does not hesitate as much... but still won't open up."  
She remembered that deep within the annoyance was contempt... perhaps   
even sadness from what she could hear at the time.  
Pen-Pen continued out the room, soon after, the sound of his personal   
fridge opening reached Misato's ears.  
"I am no longer his guardian... but he could still trust me couldn't he? Why  
will he not open up to me...?"  
She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling.  
"Maybe he's right... it's no concern of mine what happened then... but   
isn't it my concern how he's feeling... as a friend?"  
Misato sighed, shut her eyes, and curled up toward an old picture of   
herself, Ritsuko and Kaji, all looking quite happy.  
"Friend... Ritsuko..."  
  
Shinji woke early, to hissing and slight banging. He looked around,   
confused at first, then found himself to be on the couch, in front of the   
television. He had slept there after his encounter with Asuka earlier in   
the morning, not wishing to sleep in his bed as it seemed to ressurect   
bad memories. His muscles were stiff and his hair was... frighteningly   
disheveled. The Third Child rose and started up the stairs toward the   
bathroom and quiet humming reached him from the kitchen.  
He went back down and looked in. There was Rei, living up to her chore of   
making breakfast that day. Her humming brought a pleasant conversation   
back to Shinji as he continued up the stairs.  
"Like a mother..."  
He again knew not what he felt about Rei and as he felt even this, an   
unexpected guilt came over him with thoughts of...  
"...Asuka?"  
He spoke quietly to himself,  
"That doesn't make sense."  
  
~To be Continued  
a/n: not much revealed here. I am feeling inspired enough to continue   
very soon though. (That happens when you buy the perfect Collection and   
watch it twice in two days... EVA marathons are fun!!)  
  
"Hai, moshi-moshi" = "Yes, hello (for phone only)"  
"Gomen" = "Sorry" 


	3. 3

A Pilot's Fate  
Chapter Three  
Ronin Setora  
  
**Recap**  
He again knew not what he felt about Rei and as he felt even this, an   
unexpected guilt came over him with thoughts of...  
"...Asuka?"  
He spoke quietly to himself,  
"That doesn't make sense."  
** **  
  
She sighed and wiped a bead of sweat from her brow. With her other hand she   
placed the still lighted cigarette into an astray, drawing the dull flame of   
the powders to a close. She ran her hand through her hair, removing it from   
her vision.  
"He... seems more open but..."  
His eyes fell to a semi-open position, his lips barely parted and he   
whispered as he replied,  
"...but what?"  
He stared deep into her eyes, her eyes that knew him, all of him, as his did   
her. She stared back, letting her eyes reveal her emotions. Misato allowed   
him to grip her hand as she thought.  
"...but..."  
She sighed again. Kaji spoke as quietly as before, but this time with his   
confident smirk,  
"You're going to ruin our... activities if you don't get this out."  
His spare hand slid beneath the sheets... As Misato held back other sounds,   
she spoke finally,  
"Something still seems wrong. His... his voice was so..."  
Her partner continued his actions and spoke as though outside, all at once,  
"I don't know about his voice, but I know you're getting depressed."  
His hand moved from its position,  
"You shouldn't be... depressed."  
His words slid out fluidly as he and Misato shifted. [a/n: the rest is   
censored.]  
*  
Her eyes were cast toward her knees and her hands clenched leggings of her   
pajamas. She wondered about the questions she wanted to ask, whether such   
memories should be resurrected. In all her thought, the only physical action   
she took was to stare toward her knees.  
Though the other seemed distracted by the screen before, she could see all   
her friend's subtle movements and could tell something was on her mind. As a   
guest it was not her role to dive into another's issues... but as a friend   
(and just being Asuka as she was) was it not her right to be concerned over   
her closest? Despite all she wished to do, either in comfort or in quest to   
satisfy her curiousity, the red-headed child continued pounding the buttons   
of the controller.  
Hikari glanced up for the seventh time in the last five minutes and began to   
clear her throat. If she didn't speak now, she'd probably never get another   
chance. She organized her words in her mind,  
'Just ask her what she meant the other day. All I have to do is ask that...   
but...'  
She shook her head which drew Asuka's physical attention.  
"Hikari. What's your problem?"  
Hikari found comfort in her friend's old attitude- concise and without   
restraint. Though, she also felt insulted that her very best friend would not   
be gentler around her. But that was not her real concern and again she   
cleared her throat, having finally summoned up the courage to ask her   
question.  
"Asuka... Asuka, what did you... uhm, I mean, what were you uhm... thinking I   
mean... uhh..."  
The Second Child knew in her mind as part of her reputation she should mock   
or at least smile at the uncomfortable girl before her but all she could find   
in her heart to do was sit in silence and wait.  
Hikari attempted again to make her inquiry and hurriedly spat out the words,  
"What had you really been thinking when you spoke to me the other day?! Uhm...   
well, I.. I.. don't mean to be rude it's just... just..."  
Asuka shut her eyes to hide the relief in them.  
'She wondered about me... I had thought something...'  
Hikari's focus on her friend intensified in the silence of Asuka's thoughts.  
'Will... will she lie to me... again? Will she tell me again that nothing was   
really wrong?'  
Again the middle Horaki child felt slightly insulted that her closest friend   
and confident would lie to her, but she remained quiet, not wanting to miss   
even a whispered reply.  
The response was just that, quiet. So quiet, Asuka's mouth barely moved as   
she spoke. Her breaths were hardly even visible as her body seemed to still   
totally. The response was one that surprised Hikari.  
"I... hate him... at least," Asuka broke off momentarily, taking a small   
breaths quickly that shook her body, "...at least, I think I hate him. I...   
want to hate him..."  
Hikari began to speak and was cut off.  
"...but if I hate him..."  
Her eyes grew tearful and her body continued to shiver.  
"he might... hate me"  
All Hikari could do was sit in awe, in wonder.  
'What ... what happened to her...? She seems so...'  
"Hikari?"  
The word was weighted with sorrow, with despair. The word came quieter than   
her previous confession and the next came even closer to silence, nearer to   
tears,  
"If he hated me... then I'd be... all alone..."  
Hikari Horaki, possibly Asuka's one true friend, at least as far as the   
student body knew, wanted to feel insulted again. She wanted to feel angry at   
the Sohryu child but could not. She knew what Asuka meant. If she didn't have   
Shinji, in whom she left a great deal of trust, no one could really   
understand her experiences. A thought came to Hikari,  
"...but, Rei doesn't hate you..."  
As their conversation went on, the girls grew quieter and quieter. Asuka   
spoke again,  
"Ayanami... does not care for me... no one does..."  
Her referall to Rei by a true name was evidence enough to Hikari that the   
girl before her was not one of pride, of strength, but was one truly broken,   
totally torn down. Even as far as removed from the throne she had placed her   
self on as a confident superior to any opposition.  
"....but... I... I still..."  
Hikari stopped speaking and the two just sat in silence; Asuka a shattered mess  
and Hikari surprised and hurt by the words released into the   
room that night. As one they turned and lay upon their backs, each to watch   
the ceiling with her own thoughts in mind.  
*  
//early morning, following day  
Shinji lay upon his bedding, SDAT player running on shuffle-order through   
recovered blues from before the Second Impact. A look rested upon his face   
that few to none had seen before. The look was that of confidence, of   
strength, of faith in himself. His thoughts were none like those he had   
experienced those times before when the look was with him. Then, though they   
had also been of determination, they were either spur-of-the-moment or during   
a desperate situation. Now, they were of a plan. But before that, his   
thoughts were more than thoughts- they were memories.  
Memories of kisses he had shared with others. Kisses he could imagine from   
his Mother, the emotionless kiss with Rei, the choking kiss with Asuka. As he   
looked back now, he found, in some way he enjoyed them all. Shinji thought   
over each of them, of the feeling of something besides food or blood on his   
lips.  
His kisses from his Mother only that- a family moment...  
The kiss with Rei that felt odd, that seemed much like a family moment...  
And the precious moments with Asuka's mouth pressed against his... before he   
ran out of air.  
All were... different. And at this point in time, as he debated his feelings   
toward certain girls, all had their own degree of enjoyment behind them.   
Though one stood out, so much unlike the rest. How he wished he could   
experience that moment again...  
Thus had come the look he wore now, as he developed a plan in his mind. Asuka   
would be home from Hikari's by dinner. He felt he had done something to anger   
her so perhaps he could fix it somehow. Again thoughts of his vow to stop   
fleeing his problems came to him.  
"I've gotta try... or nothing has really changed."  
The issue of the real dinner came to him also, it was his day to cook. He   
smiled at a reason to move before his thoughts grew sour.  
*  
Moonlight shone through the high window of the bathroom. The water, just run,   
steamed slightly and waves formed as she lowered her body into its warmth. As   
her skin adjusted to the water, she shut her eyes and relaxed. A small smile   
was upon her face.  
Sleep began to come to her at the same time as thoughts of Shinji. The   
thoughts were not ones she felt were appropriate and were dismissed, but came   
back to her in a few minutes. This time she did not push the thoughts but   
enjoyed them while she drifted into her dreams.  
In her dreams, once the perversion had died away, she relived the days spent   
in perfect harmony with Shinji. As she slept, the water grew cool but her   
thoughts warm as she remembered his face when he had saved her from the   
volcano. Her smile grew.  
Her thoughts began to jump between all the happy memories of Shinji she had,   
the times he had saved or helped her, his constant apologies to her...  
These most recent memories woke her as she thought over the past hours. Just   
before she had come into the bath and after dinner, she had encountered   
Shinji again, outside her door. He had just been sitting there, no disgusted   
or depressed look, rather, one of fear. But not of a physical fear, one that   
seemed a fear of hurt, a sadness.  
He had looked up her and smiled weakly. She had not been able to scowl at him   
or even speak. The word "baka" spun through her mind but refused to open her   
pursed lips. He held his smile and his gaze; stared deep into her eyes before   
speaking,  
"I'm sorry."  
She had begun to yell at him, was just opening her mouth to declare her   
remaining outrage at his cowardly universal respone, but was cut off.  
"Don't speak just yet."  
She recoiled in surprise, her mouth still open and her eyes wide at his   
voice. It sounded strong. And his eyes, they seemed... focused. He continued   
without breaking eye contact,  
"I don't really know... what happened a few days ago but... I'm sorry. I..."  
His words ended there. Shinji rose, watched her for a few more moments, then   
walked by, leaving her dazed and silent. She had watched her door, had   
listened to his footsteps and quick breaths, she took her own thin breaths,   
but did not move. All she could do was stand and think. Think of the new   
Shinji before her, think of all she wished she could say to him. Think of how   
glad she was he didn't hate her...  
Asuka rose from the bath and wrapped herself in a towel, feeling refreshed.   
Her mind was spinning with her thoughts, and she, though not appearing so,   
was delighted.  
  
During Asuka's rest in the bath, there was another engaged in thoughts. Her   
thoughts though, were faint, unclear. Her thoughts were mostly of one before   
her, were not her own really but still in her mind. Her thoughts at this time   
were pleasant ones at least. Her deep red eyes' focus seemed elsewhere, as it   
was, along with her mind. Her thoughts were becoming no longer memories, but   
real thoughts, of her own. Along with these thoughts came feelings also...   
feelings for an Ikari.  
Her memories had been of moments shared with the Ikaris. Of previous Rei's   
experiences with Gendo Ikari, how they had all enjoyed his company, his   
attention. How one had been saved by him. How the one before had lost her arm   
and her... life through him. All the Rei before had loved Gendo Ikari, if   
anyone could truly love him. But with the small pieces of Yui in her, that   
seemed part of her life, to love Gendo Ikari. But for the rest of her life,   
the parts that were hers and not Yui's, she hated Gendo Ikari. At least she   
thought she hated him, perhaps it was really her feelings for the one that   
DID hate Gendo Ikari.  
Her memories were then of previous Rei's, and her own experiences with   
another Ikari. How one previous Rei had been saved by him, in the same manner   
as Gendo. How he had fought because she had been defeated. Her thoughts were   
now of Shinji's kind words each time another Rei or even she had been found   
okay, or sometimes just alive. The way she was feeling about Shinji now   
seemed to force all his feelings about his Father onto her.  
But her own feelings didn't seem to matter, she didn't really know how to   
convey them anyway. With this in mind she thought of other moments with   
Ikari, memories that were truly hers- the night spent with Shinji before   
Asuka's emotional entrance.  
That night had been theirs and had been spent talking about everything. She   
and Shinji had sat for hours talking about the EVA's, the Angels, Gendo and   
Yui Ikari, about classmates, Misato, and most of all, themselves. Shinji   
admitted then he still knew very little about her and it was sad for her that   
she also did not know enough to be able to tell him anything.  
Another memory with Ikari was that of their kiss. It was nothing it seemed   
then, but now Rei thought she felt longing for that feeling again. If for   
Gendo she truly felt hate, for Shinji did she feel love?  
Few other memories came to Rei that night as she realized there was something   
that would always be seperating her from Shinji romantically. She knew what   
it was and regretted it. It was that piece that had to love Gendo. 'Damn that   
woman,' was what Rei wished to say, but "that woman" was her life force and   
there was nothing she could do about it.  
*  
Any spare moment Hikari had from school or talking to Touji, she was found   
with Asuka. Never before had Asuka been one to talk about others in a   
positive manner, nor had she ever chosen to reveal any feelings about others.   
There must have really been something about her Chosen One now, as he seemed   
to be the focal point of most of their conversations. It was now Hikari's   
turn to ask Asuka a question that had once been asked her,  
"What do you see in him?"  
As they continued walking, Hikari remembered how she had been almost   
embarrassed to answer and now her feelings were widely known. But Asuka,   
Asuka never even answered the question, not really. All she said in reply   
was,  
"Who else has anything in them worthwhile?"  
Hikari, though she could somewhat understand Asuka's infatuation with Ikari,   
still did not get why she acted so differently. Not around Shinji or around   
any other people, but with Hikari, she seemed extremely open and at times   
emotional. This puzzled the Horaki child- undoubtedly Asuka had felt some of   
these things before so why had she still been herself then? What had occured   
in Asuka's mind that ripped her open like this? Hikari felt it was time to   
find out.  
"Asuka?"  
The former pilot turned her head, a look of question upon her face. Hikari   
continued with Asuka's full attention,  
"What happened? I mean, what happened to you?"  
Asuka stopped walking and switched her books from the left to the right hand.  
"What do you mean?"  
Hikari took a deep breath and began again,  
"Something happened to you. Something... you talk alot more now about...   
Shinji. And, you actually speak your feelings now. You don't seem the way you   
used to and I wanna know what happened!"  
She finished strong and her words hit Asuka hard. Things were being demanded   
of her she never wanted to think about again. With Shinji around, those   
things seemed to be dying away, why would Hikari choose now to ask about   
them? The Second Child considered answering and thought of just the words   
that had changed her. The words she had heard in her nightmares thousands of   
times over...  
'I don't wanna be alone..'  
All during her thoughts she had been watching an ant crawl along the sidewalk   
and as she looked up at Hikari, her eyes looked like they wanted to cry and   
couldn't. Going against all the things her mind and heart told her, Hikari   
did not withdraw the question.  
Asuka held the stare and finally said,  
"Can I stay at your house tonight?"  
*  
Shinji again lay upon his bedding staring at his ceiling. Her face circled in   
his mind again and again along with all she had ever done to, or with him. He   
thought of how glad he was now they had been forced to live together, if not,   
he may have never found his confidence, never have found the happiness he had   
now. Before he had been content with Misato but she had her own agenda now   
that NERV was over and done. His thoughts drifted to the month after   
Seventeenth Angel Tabris, when the corporation was finally dissolved.  
--  
"You will all live together, it saves trouble for the government."  
Shinji was just fine with that solution, Rei, as usual, had no comment and   
Touji had zoned out, thoughts of one girl no doubt. But Asuka could not   
accept it right off.  
"What kind of trouble could it save for them? The whole damn world knows   
everything now don't they?!"  
Misato shook her head,  
"There are still things you all know, have experienced, have seen, that   
normal people need not know. Plus, we believe it's better that way. None of   
you should be left alone and," she took a very brief glance at Shinji, "none   
of you have anyone to return to."  
After a few more exchanges, Asuka finally gave up- she knew there was no way   
she wanted to go back to her false family, so why not stay here with   
something somewhat more real?  
--  
Shinji's thoughts again fell upon the Second Child. He had not been surprised   
she did not speak when he confronted her the day before. He was glad though   
that she did not appear angry at him any longer. The First Child did not know   
what had occured in Asuka's own mind about that night, but he knew it felt   
good to be on level ground with her, somewhat. He found himself wishing for   
her company again and did not dislike the thought of them together.  
"...Asuka."  
  
~To be Continued~  
  
a/n: Well, solutions are to come I'd like to believe. I am enjoying writing   
this and I hope you all enjoy reading it. I get the feeling the next will be   
the last so, review (good or bad, no matter to me) and I may get out Ch. 4   
faster. 


	4. Notice

A Pilot's Fate  
Ronin Setora  
Announcement  
  
Let me say first that I've taken great pleasure in writing this.  
Also, in the six months that have passed in the authorage of said story,  
I have learned a lot in the series, have read manga, and have gotten knowledge  
of the movies. I have gained a lot and have modified my writing accordingly.  
  
I am also pleased that so many have enjoyed this [I found that one added it to  
their favorite stories list] and hope that my next EVA piece will have the same effect.  
I will make no promises but here is a teaser for an upcoming fiction--  
  
[Within the months of February through April]  
*A story of Shinji living a piece of his life alone before his summons by Commander Ikari  
*A piece on Ritsuko, Kaji, and Misato's college days together  
[and possibly...]  
*Another take on a Shin/Asu romance... with more of the original characters involved  
  
January 17, 2003, 1 minute before midnight 


	5. 4

A Pilot's Fate  
Chapter Four  
Ronin Setora  
  
**Recap**  
Shinji's thoughts again fell upon the Second Child. He had not been surprised   
she did not speak when he confronted her the day before. He was glad though   
that she did not appear angry at him any longer. The First Child did not know   
what had occured in Asuka's own mind about that night, but he knew it felt   
good to be on level ground with her, somewhat. He found himself wishing for   
her company again and did not dislike the thought of them together.  
"...Asuka."  
** **  
  
Weeks had passed and to she who would ponder human emotion, they were not themselves to the extent it was   
disgusting. With the constant emotions that plagued her- of jealousy, hate, love, pity -she believed it reasonable   
to keep a journal of these things new to her. In this journal was stored all her observations in frightening detail.  
  
Tenth day of Ninth month, 22:48 hrs-  
It grows worse with them each day. These thoughts I cannot voice must be expressed somehow. Sohryu acts   
strangely: her breath quickens in Ikari's prescence, her eyes grow large and shine. She seems to barely manage to   
suppress a smile. Every spare moment she casts Ikari a glance and should he not flinch, she would hold the gaze   
for minutes.  
With Ikari... his attitude is the same as always yet not. Never has he seemed so committed to his current task- the   
cello -nor has he ever been so comfortable around Sohryu. He does not speak to anyone it appears but seems so   
content in that silence. In Sohryu's prescence, his attention, his focus peaks, especially during those moments he   
runs along the strings. He plays with such ferocity his fingers have grown callused and sweat drips from his   
brow.  
I know not why I think so often of Ikari but he is distracted it seems by another.  
  
Each day, for the two weeks up to the present, she recorded events as this and never bothered to hide her   
journal. She left it upon the kitchen counter so carelessly, none even wondered of its contents. She wrote upon   
its pages in that very place, not even attempting to find privacy. The Second and Third Children were too taken   
by one another to notice Ayanami Rei's growing distraught.  
For every entry made into that diary, the following morning greeted her with unpleasant thoughts of Ikari with   
Sohryu. Helping none, her deepest thoughts were that she could never have Ikari because she could not   
understand him. She could not understand why he had fought the Angel that first time in her place, though she   
now knew it as compassion and pity. She at first did not understand why he had risked his health to save her   
from her entry plug but now knew that as love.  
But Ikari's love for her was friendly, if not brotherly. And why should it not be, she knew what bond she had   
with Shinji truly. This was her reasoning and this was the cause of her deepening depression. Had Shinji or   
Asuka been less taken with one another they would have noticed how her thoughts were affecting her actions.  
One would bring events to everyone's attention and that one would be the least predicted for such observations.   
Perhaps it was the unending time spent with one female that made him so aware, but nomatter the reasoning, he   
had noticed even the smallest changes occuring in his comrades.  
  
As Rei had observed, changes in two former Pilots were occuring. Perhaps their bodies were catching up with   
their minds or it could have been their feelings for one another but they could not think of any but the other.   
Shinji progressed with his cello with such intensity he seemed to be trying to impress Asuka and she was so   
extremely passive it could have been to feel less a threat to Shinji.  
Shinji sat alone, as he believed, in the living room and took a deep breath. He raised his bow and drew one long   
not along the strings. With a light sigh, he made the strings sing, each note a beautiful piece itself and all of   
them together the most wonderful sound any could ever hear. As he drew confidence, thinking none were present in   
the household with Rei shopping, Touji & Hikari out and Asuka unknown, the brown-haired teen sped up the piece and   
drifted into another, more lively tune.  
All the while, as Shinji took great pleasure in this musical relief, Asuka stood atop the stair, her eyes shut and   
body rocking gently to each side, and as he faded into the quicker piece, as did her movements accelerate. For   
endless moments they remained like this, the music their link to one another.  
Finally, Shinji closed the piece with a long-held bow quiver, sighed again and smiled to himself. Asuka thought to   
congradulate him, then thought better of it and walked back to her room. Shinji's ears caught the light click from   
her closing door and frowned,  
"Did she like it... ?"  
  
Shinji took old advice, resting himself in a bath. Unlike previous times though, no unpleasant thoughts came to   
him, as he originally figured would. This time, there were only thoughts of life, of happy life, no longer of   
abandonment or dissappointment, nor was his mind on pain or suffering. His mind rested on future- pleasant   
future. What he saw for himself he never really believed would occur but wishful thinking had always distantly   
been a part of Shinji's existence.  
The pleasant future he saw for himself was not alone but still did not include acceptance by his father. The future   
he saw was not one of a perfect world where conflict or sadness did not exist and still included his own moments   
of dissappointment. But these things did not strip the teen of the smile he bore, they only increased it as he   
wished to spend those days with one and one only.  
Her flaming red hair, strong hand gripping his own as they moved together down their path. Her face lighted,   
smile wide toward him, no hint of malice or deception apparent. These things were all just dreams for the Third   
Child and so rarely did he dream that this was no time to ruin the moment. His bath continued with these   
unattainable goals circling his mind.  
As sleep fell upon him, dreams of Asuka remained but these were not nearly so pleasant. What came to him then were   
times of her pain, and thinking of Asuka hurt caused him to feel worse. His thoughts were of her past, loss of her   
mother, lack of a Father (how like him he noted to himself), her confidence being broken time and again, all these   
moments in Asuka's life hit Shinji, forced him to notice what common ground they stood on. Was that perhaps why he   
felt so strongly for her, no more than they could relate? Again Ikari Shinji did not know what he felt over Sohryu   
Asuka Langley but hoped his ignorance wouldn't ruin the good times that lie upon him now.  
  
The Second Child had told another what she hoped for the longest that none would know. She had revealed absolutely   
everything to Hikari Horaki and now she felt better for it. Though the Horaki child could not relate personally,   
Asuka found what she needed was to get out all she had held in away from the world. The German girl had left out no   
detail she could remember, spanning from the disgust for her parents to her reasoning, her NEED to be above   
everyone else. Even her truest feelings for those around her were revealed, focusing much on an Ikari.  
All these things that had flooded Hikari that night were still being processed. She had long known her friend to be   
much deeper than what could be seen but she could never had fathomed the fierce hatred, love, or extreme philosophy   
that may have existed in her mind. It was all a wonder to Hikari, a wonder that left her so dazed, one in   
particular had noticed it. He had seen a lot of things before, noticed a lot of changes in those around him but had   
done nothing; now the changes were in she that mattered most to him and it was time to bring up the subject with   
the cause of everyone's trouble.  
That evening, Touji was found sitting at the table well before dinner. As Shinji walked in, witnessing Touji would   
have been no surprise had Hikari been at his side, but Suzuhara alone with no food present was a rare sight. The   
Fourth Child's position was also not a common one, more of business than casual talk. To Shinji, he seemed also   
irritated, as if he had been waiting for him for quite some time. The Ikari child was bewildered and spoke first,  
"Touji! How are you?"  
Touji stared back at him for a moment before replying,  
"You're causing a lot of havoc ya know that Shinji?"  
He blinked a few times, then pointed to himself,  
"Me?"  
Touji sat patiently, his silence and lack of movement making Shinji think of his Father... it was strange, Touji   
hadn't even made a comeback off such a comment.  
"Hikari is bothered because Asuka is so taken with you and Rei has been off because you have done nothing for, or   
to, anyone."  
Suzuhara Touji was being frighteningly straightforward, no jokes or poking around whatsoever. It was all Shinji   
could do to keep from commenting about it- this didn't seem like the time to bother the Fourth Child.  
"I'm telling you now to make a move."  
For a few more seconds his face remained serious then broke into its devious smile. The Third Child released his   
breath in a relieved sigh having believed there was something seriously wrong with his friend. Despite old   
appearances though, Touji's voice was firm,  
"You truly are throwing off my week like this though. Deal with that Oni-Child ["demon child"] before I have to fix   
you myself."  
That had been all he said before rising and walking out of the room, out of the building. Shinji stood in wonder   
before the table,  
"...Hm."  
  
The following day, Shinji is found again with his cello in the living room. He draws one note to tune, then begins,   
a piece that starts slow and speeds up every measure. He has full knowledge that only one other is within the house   
and takes advantage of that. This day he was full of confidence and refused to be brought down. Perhaps his future   
was not impossible.  
Asuka sat up on her bedding and put down the book she had been reading. It lacked interesting material so a reason   
to stop was welcome. What came was not crashing, screaming, or even the smell of something but was a gentle   
beginning to music she had heard before. It was from a great composer but she could not think of which at the time.   
Nonetheless, the piece was enjoyable and she knew it to be Shinji upon his cello. The Second Child exited the room   
and descended the stairs in silence, listening intently as the song grew more energetic. Not long after, Shinji's   
arm was sliding back and forth and his hand upon the fretboard was never still. His playing grew more and more   
intense until finally, he snapped a string.  
The silence that followed was a deafening one, such a fiery piece, perfectly representative of the Sohryu child,   
broken in an instant by one little problem. Shinji made no movement afterward and for minutes the two remained   
completely quiet. Under his breath, Shinji repeated a past used endearment,  
"Asu-chan..." He referenced the string, "...broken."  
His shoulders moved with his breaths finally and he began to rise. Asuka stepped forward, attracting his attention.   
She thought for just a moment, hesitated for another, then opened her mouth to speak. As Ikari Shinji's eyes   
pierced her own, no words came out. When he blinked, they fell from her lips,  
"Shinji-kun...?"  
"...hai?"  
"Could you... play a piece for me?"  
He drew from a small box upon the couch a coiled string,  
"Hai."  
  
~Owari~  
  
Post Author Notes:  
Well, that would be all I'd say. Look back through the story and understand this- I didn't have Kaji killed  
just cuz I like him and wanted him around, I put Asu-chan and Ikari-kun together because they are perfect, and I  
didn't write off of E.o.E because there would be no one to write with except those two. Translations as follows-  
"-kun" word added to the end of a close boy's name.  
"-chan" just the same but for a girl  
"hai" yes 


End file.
